Seven Principles for a Fulfilling & Sustainable Relationship

March 2015

These are my personal views and concepts that I believe will ultimately bring to me my joy, security, satisfaction and fulfillment within context of a personal relationship. As I am not in a personal relationship at the time of writing this blog, much of what follows can be interpreted as being aspirational.

From time-to-time in the past I have expounded my sometimes complex theories about relationships. Recently, I was challenged to attempt to crystallize my thinking and to write this ‘blog’ with the view to sharing these views and more importantly, getting feedback, opinions, alternative views or even criticism. So here goes ….

In my opinion there are seven vitally important criteria or Principles that will go into the making of a solid, completely fulfilling and sustainable personal relationship. Who knows? Perhaps in time I will ‘fall in love’; or so I might think. But hopefully this treatise will give me a taste of my own medicine and help me to be able to clearly distinguish between lust, infatuation and true love.

Let the games begin!

P.S. Please feel free to input your views and comments relating to this blog. There is a section at the end to do so.  I frequently ponder alternative views and perspectives  and I will include them if appropriate; as such this blog is a ‘living document’.

First Principle

Physical Attraction
If a couple starting out or developing or optimising a solid relationship aren’t initially and permanently attracted to one another in a physical sense, it begs the question ‘What other ‘glue’ is holding the relationship together.

Granted, aspects such as intellectual stimulation, a deep and meaningful friendship and other dimensions may well be playing an important role but in the absence of pure physical attraction or – heaven forbid – physical repulsion, I’m my humble opinion, there is little hope for sustainability of the relationship in this context.

Whilst younger adults may revel in the passionate, sexual dimensions of new and exciting relationship, to be totally comfortable and secure in one’s partner’s presence as one moves into ‘more mature years’, will continue to be a fundamental element of contentment and mutual fulfilment.

How does one gauge or measure ‘Physical Attraction’? If it’s not there at all, it goes without saying, then it’s not there. But I think it’s fair to say that physical attraction can have ‘degrees’. In addition, these ‘degrees’ may vary accosting to time, place, circumstance and context and ‘attraction’ may be anything for hormone-driven ‘lust’ to the simple joy of being in another’s presence or experiencing a simple touch or holding hands. I would like to think that in one’s ‘golden years’, just to be comfortable and to feel secure and safe in the other’s presence would be something to aspire to.

Second Principle

Spiritually Inspired Friendship

In the first instance, I firmly believe that one’s Life Partner must be one’s absolute best friend. In this day and age of social media the term “friend” has become more than somewhat blurred and as such warrants some clear definition.

It was the American philosopher and writer Ralph Waldo Emerson who wrote:

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.”

Within the framework of that remarkable definition of friendship I believe lie some of the most fundamental principles to relationship success. In the first instance it clearly categorizes what may be called ‘Social Friendships’. Putting it bluntly, these are relationship that are basically, fun. And these types of friendship should certainly be encouraged and perused. Life is far too short not to have a good deal responsible fun and to share these experiences with our social friends.

However, Emerson then addresses a far deeper dimension to a human relationship when he says “It is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when one appreciates that somebody else believes in them as is willing to trust them with a friendship.” What is the awesome power that is unleashed within all human beings when belief in oneself is further catalysed when a close, trusting friend reinforces that belief and simultaneously grants the precious gift of trust? That’s Spiritual Inspiration. That’s what makes a true Soul Mate.

Perhaps the unintended role of the spiritually-inspired friend is to catalyse within us a far greater sense of our own self-worth and a greater depth of understanding of our true ‘inner self’. Perhaps this often can happen subconsciously and unintentionally. Perhaps it’s simply that our soul mate triggers within us a powerful urge to introspect; to embark on a lifetime journey to discover and then to free the hidden individual that we may well bring together with a vast array of our latent potential. Perhaps that external inspiration allows us to clearly identify our true aspirations; genuine wants, needs desires and goals. And above all, that belief provides us with the spiritual ‘fuel’ with which one can energize ourselves to maintain focus and drive and the motivation to have real, tangible and realizable aspirations and goals; to overcome challenges and obstacles whilst optimising opportunities and fully capitalizing our ultimate potential in terms of intellectual capability, spirituality, social prowess and physical wellbeing.

Similarly, in times of personal conflict or emotional or other pressures, it will often be the absence of Spiritual Friendship that will drive partners away from one another at precisely the time when mutual support is most greatly needed.

How does one measure ‘True Friendship? In my opinion, this is a black or white issue. One knows if one is ‘spiritually inspired’ by another, or not. In the latter case, ‘companionship’ and ‘camaraderie’ also have their place.

The Third Principle

Living Trust
The second dimension to Emerson’s position on friendship relates to trust. I believe that the core to this view of trust is the trust that is placed in one another to continue to provide the Spiritual Inspiration component of the relationship; the stuff of true friendship. I believe that if the spiritual friendship is truly inculcated into the relationship in the fullest sense then the more conventional and mundane “trust issues” normally associated with honesty, fidelity, deliberate or inadvertent negative intent or diverged aspirations will pall into insignificance; these issues being at the core of the vast majority of conventional relationship conflicts. The Spiritual Friendship transcends these banalities. Trust within the definition of Spiritually Inspired Friendship, I call “Living Trust”; the realm of absolute truth and the total absence of the ‘Fear of The Consequences of the Truth’.

Jealousy.
This, then, opens up the debate about ‘jealousy’. Whilst the most common manifestation of ‘jealousy’ is when one of the parties feels threatened by a romantic rival; be it real, perceived or born out of sometimes paranoid imagination. I’m my view, these manifestations of jealousy in any relationship are the death knell. If the threat is real and tangible, I believe that only a really strong relationship with incredibly high levels of ‘Living Trust’ can survive and go on to build an even stronger and longer-lasting relationship. However, if the jealousy is truly ill-founded and based on fear or deep-rooted insecurity in one party (or, heaven forbid, both), I don’t believe that ‘Living Trust’ can exist and as such, neither can the relationship.

Jealousy, in my opinion’ is a form of ‘ownership’. The very term ‘my wife’ or ‘my husband’ supports  the concept of ‘ownership.’. The jealous party believes that he or she truly ‘owns’ not only the exclusive romantic and physical dimensions of the relationship, but also the partner’s time, who they socialise with, what they do, where they go, what they like or dislike, and so on.

Whilst friendships are wonderful and relationships can be incredible, ‘ownerships’ will destroy both!

How does one measure ‘Living Trust’? Simple.
It exists between two people, or it doesn’t.

The Fourth Principle

Mutual Visions, Goals and Aspirations

Just as a shared and totally aligned understanding and conscious interpretation of the Spiritual Friendship principle is critical to the sustainable success of the relationship, of equal importance is it that both partners share extremely similar short and long term goals and aspirations. These should ideally embrace all dimensions of life together and will include financial, material, family, spiritual and social aspirations. And these defined aspirations need to be lifetime in nature. If the road markers pointing towards similar Life Visions or Ultimate Goals and not fully aligned, the very fundamentals of Living Trust will be continuously challenged and eroded. As a consequence, Spiritually Inspired Friendship will no longer be able to exist.

Assessing the degree of ‘Mutual Visions, Goals and Aspirations’ is a fascinating topic as in this area of a relationship there is often a lot of scope for significant differences. However, I am of the firm belief that the ‘big issues’ such as the bringing up and schooling of children, management of finances with in the relationship and longer term plans for retirement or fundamental changes in lifestyle would need to be very closely aligned. In my opinion I think that the mutually identified ‘big issues’ would have to be pretty much 100% aligned but that there should be a great deal of flexibility outside of these.

The Fifth Principle

Spiritual and Values Alignment

Critically supporting elements of the Spiritually Inspired Friendship Principle, The Living Trust Principle and the Mutual Vision Principle are the prerequisites of having extremely closely aligned Spirituality and Values. This alignment will include Spiritual or Religious beliefs, Morals, Ethics, Social and Cultural behaviours, Humanity, Ecological Awareness and Practices and so on. Similarly, the absence of close alignment of these fundamentals will rapidly corrode the foundations of the relationship.

In my opinion these fundamental beliefs and values would have to be really closely aligned to engender strength to the relationship and cognizance will have to be taken of the changes and fluctuations that will, in all probability, take place as the individual ‘grow’ within themselves, and as a consequence, alter perspectives, views and beliefs. The element of ‘communication’ within the framework of the Spiritually Inspired Friendship Principle and Living Trust Principle will be of cardinal importance to the relationship in order to maintain a high level of Spiritual and Values Alignment.

The Sixth Principle

Individuality

For as much as extremely close alignment of basic spiritual, emotional, physical, material, social and aspirational drivers comprise the imperatives for the sustained and fulfilling relationship, the personal roles, the rights and the responsibilities of the individuals must be inculcated into the unique and sustainable relationship model.

It is within the Framework comprising of The Spiritually Inspired Friendship, Living Trust, Mutual Vision and Spiritual and Values Alignment that allowance must be made for the expression, the growth and the fulfilment of the individuals in the relationship. If the structure of The Framework is too ridged it will surely become a cage, the bars of which will be barriers beyond which either party feeling in the least bit ‘confined’, will consider to be ‘freedom’. Even the very idea of “breaking out” of The Framework will destroy its very structure.

It is imperative that those developing the relationship build The Framework in a manner that will allow infinite flexibility by mutual agreement; this flexibility based on time, place, context and, of course, full cognisance of the fundamentals of all Six Primary Principles.

The Seventh Principle
Love

Mankind’s greatest minds have, for eons, wrestled with the challenge of attempting to define the true meaning and significance of ‘Love’. I’ll not attempt to do so here.

But what I will submit is my belief that it is the sum total of the foregoing Six Principles and how they are measured that manifest in what we call and experience as ‘Love’. If the six Primary Principles are present in the relationship and can be maintained at a high level for a lifetime, then, in my opinion, so too will Love endure.

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© March 2016 Rod Jones